August 30: I Discover the Wonders of Vet Wrap

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

​Monday, I rubbed a raw spot about the size of a nickel in the middle of my hand while loosely holding the saddle horn when cantering. Well, I didn’t want it to get filthy on the ride Tuesday or to keep bumping it with my finger nails and causing myself pain, but there’s no way a Band-Aid would stay on there, even if I found one the right size. Nobody had any medical tape, but in the tack room, they had vet wrap. Mila put some gauze around my hand, then secured it with neon green vet wrap. 

I love that stuff! I don’t know why I never heard of it in music school. It’s so flexible, even with my entire palm wrapped in two layers of it, I could still play the flute with no problems. 

Today my hand is wrapped in purple. It looks like I broke my hand or am getting ready to box. The bandage is quite impressive compared to the minuteness of the injury.

Yesterday, I played my flute in the loft of the lodge. People hear me and think it’s a radio. Listeners say the arched ceiling makes my sound fill the lodge. I play as quietly as I can and still they hear me loud and clear. I would love to be able to hear it.

When I get especially tired in this place, I start to feel lonely. Then I want to start walking and just keep going. The hills in particular attract me. I stare at one hilltop and it pulls me. I want to go over it. As I can’t, I usually walk to the entrance of the ranch. If I can’t do that, I do what I did as a child - keep on living.

I feel like all the emotions and uncertainties and change that are supposed to happen to teenagers are happening to me these past two years. Not the physical changes - those are at least a decade past, but the “where do I fit in” and “what am I supposed to be doing” feelings that come now aren’t so easy to live through. 

When I was in college, I always was convinced that I was exactly where I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I was supposed to do. Now, I’m fulfilling a dream, so I’m not unhappy, but I know at the core, I’m a musician. I just don’t know completely what I want to do with that.